I am a devout Catholic who struggles with the sin of pornography.
Time and again, I renew my identity in Christ and yet time and again I find myself coming back to this old vice of mine. For a while back I had the strength to stop for several months. But why did it have to come back? Time and again, I hate myself for it. It’s an empty feeling you know. Achieving bodily pleasures and satisfaction for a few moments and having it all vanish, only be replaced by bouts of hollow emptiness. I’m not saying this just because I believe in God and I feel guilty. Take a minute to imagine this–it’s Christmas and you’re out buying decors, gifts and food for everyone! Suddenly, you see people crowding outside your favorite store! You rush to see what the commotion is all about. Hmmm so that’s what it is–they’ve found the fountain of youth and are selling it for $1000. A thousand dollars!!! I mean, what is a thousand dollars when you get to live forever right? So you immediately buy one bottle and rush home…only to find out…it doesn’t work. You return to the store…only to find out…it’s gone. You return home and face the mirror…only to feel…empty and disappointed. Because that’s exactly what sin is. Do you still not get it?
Sin is an empty promise wrapped in a beautiful box.
Recently I read a blog by a famous preacher. And he said that overcoming the sin is not merely about avoiding the temptations–a.k.a not allowing yourself to be put in a situation wherein you are faced with ungodly sins. Avoiding temptations makes perfect sense of course, and its what the Church teaches. It’s simple, right? The flesh is weak afterall. Let’s say you resolved to stop this drinking vice of yours and yet the day after making that resolution you go back to your old barkada-the ones who taught you to drink in the first place. Day 1 you say no with utmost confidence that you stand by your resolution. Day 2 you do the same. Day 7–here’s a party everyone’s invited to and you just can’t say no to. And then a pretty lady or a handsome fellow offers you a drink with knowing eyes and an irresistable smile. Then you start to waver. And it goes downhill from there, my friend.
Okay that deviated a bit, but I just wanted to explain how avoiding temptation will help us avoid sin-but it is not enough.
Saying that staying away from temptation = staying away from sin completely undermines the power of the devil. Oh hoh, believe me when I say the devil will find ways to get to you. No matter how rooted you are in the faith. Especially when you are deeply rooted in the faith.
What do we do then? Well. We equip ourselves the best way possible, and that is, instead of standing by the resolutions we make to ourselves or to God, let us stand by the identity we have built in Christ. Let us hold on to God’s promise because His is one that He fulfills.
It’s time we stop focusing on our sins and being sorry for ourselves. What we focus, we expand, Bro. Bo always says. The more we zoom in on our sins and continue to be sorry for ourselves, the more we will sin because we keep focusing on them. It’s true. God has been reaching His hand out to me all along, ready to pull me from the abyss I unintentionally kept myself in. I reach out. I reach out. As God slowly cleans the mud off me. He gives me new clothes to wear, a renewed identity. He raises my chin and whispers, “My child, why are you sad? Come to me and I will protect you.”
Only love changes us to the core of our beings. It’s the same thing with people. We can’t bear to hurt the people we love and so we avoid doing anything that will hurt them. Only our love for the Lord will help us fight the devil in the midst of temptation–the battlefield.
I miss that feeling. The pride and self-confidence that grows every time I overcome a struggle and when I’ m able to tell Mama Mary, “Look Mom, I did it. I overcame the temptations of the flesh today.” Soon, I will be able to tell Mama Mary that again. My prayer now: “Mama Mary, I struggle with pornography and masturbation until this day. Please give the grace and the strength to fight the devil today. So that tomorrow, I’ll be stronger than I ever was and one day I’ll be strong enough to be God’s hand to others.”
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